On October 2nd of this year, I was reading a short devotional on the Bible app on my cellphone. You know, a 3 second read with an applicable bible verse so I could feel grounded in the Lord as I started my busy morning.
See, I work nightshift 4 days a week. On Tuesdays, which one was October 2, I have to be up and ready for life at 7am. I normally fall asleep between 2:30-4am on my days off. So Tuesday mornings are brutal.
Well, this particular Tuesday I walked to my bedroom and grabbed my cellphone from the bedside stand preparing to leave. That feeling, the Holy Spirit, urged my spirit to spend time with Him. So I sat down and flipped open my app. I clicked on one of the current bible studies I was working through. I remember trying to read quickly to “fit” God into my schedule. I felt a sigh of relief as I saw the bold-type reflection questions appear at the bottom of my screen indicating I was almost done. It was at that moment though I was shook far more than I had been in a while. The words that followed filled my head...
What do you delight in?
... huh?
What do I delight in?
Wait, I’m supposed to delight in something. Wait wait here is the “bible” answer, I delight in the Lord. See, A+. I delight in the Lord!
But what I really knew at that moment was that I don’t delight in ANYTHING. To clarify, I’m not an unhappy person. I feel well and I enjoy my family and life. Every stinking crazy minute of it. But between working at least 29 hrs a week, homeschooling 2 teenagers in high school, teaching a chemistry class once a week at a coop, trying to teach a Sunday school class most weeks, supporting my husband, managing my kids, handling our family finances, feeding my family (or at least providing food), keeping the house at least sanitary, and constant requesting help from my little clan, I realized I don’t delight.in.anything.
I don’t even have time to delight in anything. What would I even delight in??? I can’t even remember what I like, and I didn’t even know I had forgotten. I thought I liked homeschool curriculum shopping and sleep. Yeah! Those!... But I was living this crazy mess that I didn’t even realized I wasn’t taking care of myself. Or at least acknowledging that I like things other than chemistry and working. I was allowing everyone else’s world to be my world instead of actually having my own.
It really bothered me that morning that I didn’t know in what I delighted. I was bothered because I know that this season of life is just that, a season. A season that will change to the next. And if I don’t learn who I am and what Christ has for me then moving from this season to the next will be much harder than the Lord has planned.
I spent the next 3-4 weeks, these past 3-4 weeks trying to process what the Lord was mentioning to me. I found though that I tried a lot harder to escape. Did you know that if you check all your social media accounts 4,000 times a day then you don’t actually have to think about your responsibilities? #Truth. Pun intended. The discomfort and shame I felt for becoming so consumed was a painful crash that the Lord was allowing me to feel. I pulled away from Him in frustration, like we dumb humans do, knowing all along that He held the peace and pieces all along. God is always faithful and answers my prayers even though I’m unworthy.
One of those answered prayers came tonight. It was a gift I didn’t even know I had until I’d already unwrapped it. I found my delight!!!
You see, over these last few weeks God has kept pressing in my heart that my priorities are wrong. It was really hard to hear. I don't like to fail. I don't like to change. But the Lord was repeatedly showing me specific ways he wants me to change and priorities he wants me to rearrange. I won’t share the specifics priorities He has placed on my heart, because we aren’t cookie cutters and I don’t want you to feel like you have to be a sugar cookie if you’re a snickerdoodle. But the priorities the Lord was placing on my heart are different than me. How can I be someone that isn’t me? I’m not this woman, or that mom, or that friend. I’m me. And God has been telling me, Right! I know! But this is what I have for YOU! You don’t need to know why, just trust me. Well friends, I’ll tell you what. I’ve been trusting the good Lord for 17 years now and HE IS FAITHFUL AND HE KEEPS HIS WORD!
Well, as I have been processing the small urges from the Lord for areas in my life He wants to develop and areas I'm supposed to cut off, He has been slow to explain how in the world it's gonna go down. I was under the impression until tonight that it was going to be a lot self-control and misery. I really don’t even know where to start with these life changes because I’m really learning thing I never learned. Things I probably should have learned when I was busy needed to prove myself by going back to college. But here we are. The countdown is on. Those mom with kids at home years that I thought would last forever are now in the single digits. And as I walked back to my bedroom I realized that the podcast I just watched, sent to me from an old friend through a new friend, gave me that thing I can delight in. That thing that happened to be a starting point that connected a ton of things I don't understand and never learned with a bunch of things and people I really enjoy.
And you know the best part? I know every bit of it came straight from the Lord. My heart and my cup overflows.
Isaiah 40:31 -"but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."
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